Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
don’t we all
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie