Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
When you kidnap a writer.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off