Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Auto correct is my worst enema.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
bro what is going on at twitter
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.