Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
What happened to the other hiker??!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.