Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

So sick of all these stupid rules

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

When your diet is finally over.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man