Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too