Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

The three genders.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

The median voter

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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