Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.