Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity