Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

*exercises sarcastically*

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse