Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

they see me scrollin

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

I have a new favorite meme page

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.