Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Meanwhile in Canada…

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

No, I don’t think I will.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”