Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I just ran a .003048K
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?