Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

New nose

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.