A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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(Musicians.)
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out