REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
