REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
