REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
The days of good grammer has went
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
i think both sides are to blame here
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
