Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?