Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

🚲+physics = winner

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick