Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.