Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish we could shoplift online

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

More like Kate Missington.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

problems i need

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…