Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

doing some research

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

Who knew!