Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
You Might Also Like
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken