Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you