Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

What personal space?

My dog

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship