Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

Never deleting this app.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.