reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Personal question. #JustSaying
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.