reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”