Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

me after drinking all the wine:

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

LOL

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff