Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

I was just discussing this with my cat

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

This line from Airplane.