Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Thrilling chase underway

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

*feels the wind in my toe hair

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.