Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
lmao
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.