Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
This is so me 😂😂
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing