Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”