Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Me when I’m ovulating

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

sugar glider wrangler

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.