Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

This chloroform smells expensiv…

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

The hardest thing Vision has to do

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!