Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT