reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.