I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird