Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@CafeinatedBacon

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

@datingdecisions

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

@DestryBrod

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

@fuzzypantaloons

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

@Donna_McCoy

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

@BK_Blonde

I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”