rebranding
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Simple enough.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
All. The. Damn. Time.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time