rebranding
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
The game has officially changed 😎
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.