Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
barbara was highly relatable
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”