Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
#IWishIHadNever noticed
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I basically called this earlier today
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣