rebranding
You Might Also Like
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.