Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.