Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.