*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
You Might Also Like
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL