Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.