Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?