“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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Proofread twice, hang posters once
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It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens