receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Fights fire with marshmallows
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
i actually laughed 😩
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
