receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
ew if literal: let me be clear
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
you’re so productive for your wage
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
