Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.