Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Breaking news:
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Finally!
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
yea so i messed up lol
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….