Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My time has come.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win