Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

THE AUDACITY. 😤

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.