Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

The glockness monster

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester