Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.