Received some very disappointing news today
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I need better friends
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
White Castle for the Win
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out