Received some very disappointing news today
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
About to throw up
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My stupid belt shrunk again today.