Received some very disappointing news today
You Might Also Like
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Sniffing the broccoli
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.