Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

She was REALLY feeling it.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

Happy Star Wars day!

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

you’re so productive for your wage

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Midwest trash talk

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.