Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone