Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days