Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

2022 will be better than 2021

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.