*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…