Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

🤣🤣🤣

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business