[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”