How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
just witnessed a drug deal
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Received some very disappointing news today