*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.