*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…