*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
work smarter, not harder
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words