Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF