Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

I am all good here, 😂😉

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple