*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!


If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.


Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.


Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.


Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.


The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.


Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.


Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.


Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.