@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

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@SirEviscerate

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.

@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

@MamaFizzles

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

@blitz2six

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@TheCatWhisprer

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.