*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math